Why books on habit change have it all wrong

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past several years, you've likely heard of James Clear.

His book, "Atomic Habits" is a NY Times bestseller, having sold millions of copies.

And you'll be hard-pressed to find a personal development creator who doesn't sing the praises of developing healthy habits.

And you'll find me among them.

I also believe that developing healthy habits is very important.

Except...

It doesn't always work.

In fact, quite often it doesn't work at all.

Why is that?

Is it because we struggle to maintain habits?

That's part of it.

Is it because we struggle to develop habits?

Closer.

Let's do some exploring...

Why change is so damn difficult

If you've ever tried to develop and maintain a new habit, you already know how challenging it can be.

And you've likely heard the old adage, "It takes 21 (or 30, or 60) days for a new habit to become ingrained".

(None of that is true...btw.)

Now every once in a while, we do get lucky, and we're able to make a change.

But the vast majority of the time, our efforts to build a new habit fail miserably.

Don't believe me? Walk into a gym during the first couple of weeks in January. Then walk in there again during the first couple of weeks of March.

See anything different?

I'm assuming that at least once in your life (and almost certainly more) you've had an experience like this:

• Decide that you're going to eat healthier

• Go out and buy a bunch of healthy food

• Come home and make a healthy meal

• Make healthy meals for a few days

• Friday night comes, and your friends want to go to the bar/pub

• You decide to let yourself have some fun. You have some drinks, eat some bad bar food.

• You wake up the next day, hungover and guilt-ridden because you "messed up" your new habit of eating healthy.

• You're out of healthy food, so you reach for a bunch of snacks because what the hell, you've already messed up anyway.

Does any of that sound vaguely familiar?

If so, here's a couple of really important things to know:

• It's not your fault.

• You're not alone.

There's a very specific reason why it's so hard to make habits stick.

Why, no matter what you do or how hard you try, you tend to revert back to your old ways (or what's called the "set point").

If you can't lose weight, can't go to bed on time, can't get up early, can't stop drinking or smoking, and just can't generally get your life together, here's why...

You're skipping a step.

And it's a very important step.

Why?

Because it's the first step.

All the steps around developing a habit come after this first step. And without taking that first step, your chances of success are, to put it mildly, rather slim.

So what is that step, anyway?

I thought you'd never ask.

The place where change REALLY comes from

Clear's book goes quite in-depth around how to form habits, and how to make them stick.

From making it obvious, to making it attractive, to making it easy and satisfying, Clear breaks down the habit-building process into small, easily digestible chunks.

This can and does work.

It can work because there is considerable effort made to help you change your behaviors. And Clear comes at behavior change from multiple directions, in numerous ways.

Behavior change is powerful.

But in many ways, these changes are more surface-level in nature.

What makes them surface-level?

It's the fact that they require a fairly high degree of willpower in order for them to be successful.

Now, we all have willpower, right? When you observe others however, you might notice that willpower is highly variable - some people seem to have way more of it than others.

You may have also noticed in yourself periods when you have more willpower than others.

This is both normal, and common.

The reason for this is that willpower is a finite and exhaustible resource. You only have so much of it during a given day or period of time.

And when you run out, there's nothing left to fall back on.

That's how the donut quietly slips back into your life, despite your best efforts.

So what's the key? If behavior change isn't enough, if willpower is finite and exhaustible, then how do we create change, and make it last?

The solution is to short-circuit this entire process altogether.

The critical key to lasting change

Lasting change doesn't involve a mechanical goal, written reminders, laughable attempts at self-motivation, or willpower.

Lasting change comes from a much deeper place.

Before you can change a habit, you MUST change your mind, and your core belief about that habit.

In other words, you have to:

• Shift your mindset around the habit - i.e., what it means to you

• Shift your core belief(s) about the habit - i.e., how you feel about it at a core level

That may seem daunting, but it's much simpler than it sounds.

In order for a change to become long-lasting, even permanent, you must be willing to take on the change as a new part of your identity.

In other words, you aren't trying to change.

You aren't using willpower to change.

You aren't even believing you can change.

Instead, you are making a permanent shift in your mindset.

You don't try to change. You become the change.

What do I mean by that?

Let me give you an example...

Almost 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with a mitral-valve prolapse in my heart. (Strangely, this never showed up again in future EKG's, but with a history of early-onset heart disease in my family, this caught everyone's attention at the time.)

The first thing my doctor said was that I needed to exercise. When I asked what type of exercise he meant, he said, "I want you walking, a lot. Like 5 miles a day, every day."

As someone who sat behind a desk every day, that seemed daunting. My movement really started to slow down in my late 20's, and getting in that much walking seemed impossible.

Notice that last sentence. It was part of my mindset - what I believed to be true at the core level of my being.

If you're trying to make a change, and starting from a similar mindset, how hard do you think it's going to be to develop a new habit and stick to it?

Considering that the change I needed to make was considered to be potentially life-saving at the time, I couldn't do it.

I tried everything to make a walking habit stick. I bought every habit book on the market, tried willpower, built a schedule, planned out my day...

Nothing worked.

About 9 months ago, during a particularly stressful time at work, it was suggested to me that getting away from my computer and going for a walk might be a good way to reduce some of the tension and stress I was feeling.

At that point, I was certainly desperate for some stress relief, so I gave it a try.

No plans.

No willpower.

I simply got up a little earlier each morning, and went for a walk.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, I hit a wall about 2 weeks in.

As I was in the midst of arguing with myself, I suddenly heard a voice in my head.

"People like us do things like this."

That quote is from Seth Godin in his book, "This is Marketing''. I have no idea why Seth interrupted my passionate argument with myself at that moment, but he did.

The sentence stopped me in my tracks.

Suddenly, my brain latched on and modified the sentence a bit.

It said, "this is who I am now".

And in that moment, I not only had a mindset shift, I had an identity shift.

In that moment, I permanently changed who I was.

I changed how I saw myself.

I changed who I was at the core of my being.

I changed the core story I told myself about walking every day.

From that moment forward, for the past 8 months, I went from never averaging more than 4,000 steps a day in any given month, to consistently averaging between 9,000 - 10,000 steps a day.

And 90% of the time, it's easy.

And during the 10% of the time it isn't easy, all I have to do is remind myself...

"This is who I am now."

"I am" statements are incredibly powerful.

Words mean things, and the words that mean the most are the ones we quietly say to ourselves every single day of our lives.

Many of those words slip in under the veil of consciousness. We either barely notice them, or we don't notice them at all.

But they guide almost every single aspect of your life.

Why?

Because over time, we identify with the words we say to ourselves.

"I could never get away with wearing something like that."

"I can't eat just one donut. If I start, I'll never stop."

"I can't lose weight and keep it off. This is just how I am."

"I am", that little, two-word, three letter phrase is the single most potent, powerful thing we will ever say to ourselves.

"I am" has the power to drive people to the top of Mount Everest, to cure tuberculosis, to eradicate smallpox, mumps and measles.

"I am" is what drives human progress. It's what creates lasting change in the world.

And in you.

How to use "I am" to make profound changes in your life

To create lasting change, you must become the change.

And before I start sounding like some dime-store wannabe guru, here's what I mean.

If your goal is to lose 25 pounds and keep the weight off for good, your first step is to make one small shift in your eating. Bring in one healthy food item and ensure you're eating it daily.

It should be small, simple, and fairly easy to maintain for a couple of weeks.

Next, during those first couple of weeks, begin to imagine, or visualize (or both - use what works best for you) yourself as someone who consistently makes healthy eating choices over time.

As you're eating that healthy item, consistently look at that item and say to yourself...

"This is who I am now."

Of course, just mindlessly parroting the words will do nothing. This needs to be felt. You need to feel this at the very core of your being.

And it's totally okay if your brain responds along the lines of, "Yeah, right. Whatever, kid."

This is because core beliefs are formed and solidified over time by feelings, not thoughts.

So as you say to yourself, "this is who I am now", and allow yourself to feel that change, to believe in the possibility that it can be, and is, true for you, you'll begin to notice a shift in how you approach your goal.

After a couple of weeks, when the change you're trying to incorporate gets tougher and you don't want to do it, simply say to yourself...

"This is who I am now."

And two weeks in, if you've been doing this consistently, feeling all the way down to the core of who you are, something magic will happen.

Your brain will stop arguing with you, and you'll find yourself almost automatically getting the new, healthier food, and eating it.

No internal arguments, no power struggle. Just a result - a result that is produced by your new identity as someone who consistently eats healthy over time.

Fringe benefits of identity change

There is one big additional benefit to making changes at the core level of your identity.

You can slip up occasionally, and still easily stay on track over time.

Our identities allow for the inconsistencies that make us all human.

I don't walk 10,000 steps every single day.

I have days where that just isn't possible, for any number of reasons.

When trying to make a change using habits, or willpower, or even at the behavior level, a single slip-up can send us flying off the rails.

Big, unhealthy meals at family gatherings have destroyed many diets, with people feeling like they've failed because of one day of poor eating.

But when you shift your identity, when you change your "I am", this shift allows for you to be consistent over time instead of feeling the need to be perfect every single day.

How much easier would it be to reach your goals if you knew you could go off track for a day?

Just think - none of the exhausting, defeatist self-talk. No berating yourself for being less than perfect. No arguing with yourself about whether or not it's worth it to even try and continue.

None of that happens with identity change.

When part of your core belief system is, "eating in a healthy way is who I am now", you'll go right back to that the very next day.

Because it is, in fact, who you are now.

So when you're trying to make a change, or build a new habit, or reach a new goal, give this a try.

Make one tiny change that you believe you can do pretty easily for a couple of weeks, then leverage that tiny change into a mindset change, an identity change.

A change to the core of who you are, and what you believe to be true about yourself.

It's cliche to say, but it's true...

"Change your mind. Change your life."